A Woman in the Making

तुमने मुझे सबसे दूर करने के चक्कर में मुझे ही अपने आप से दूर कर लिया। सोचा जब मैं अकेली पड़  जाऊंगी  तो तुम्हे छोडके कभी नहीं जाऊंगी। लेकिन तुमने यह नहीं सोचा  जब मुझे पता चलेगा तो मेरी नज़र में तुम कितने गिर जाओगे। यह घिनोना काम तुमने किया और इसकी सज़ा मैं भुगत रही हूँ - दो साल से। सबसे दूर, तुमसे भी दूर। तुम्हे पता था कि मैं खालीपन से कितना डरती हूँ, लेकिन तुम्हे परवाह ही नहीं थी। ऐसे मोड़ पे मुझे छोड़ दिया कि ना मैं आगे बढ़ पा रही हूँ और ना हि वापस आ पा रही हूँ। आज भी उतनी ही अकेली हूँ जितनी दो साल पहले थी। सबसे अलग करके तुम्हें भी कुछ नहीं मिला ना मुझे कुछ। अकेलेपन, खालीपन और सूनापन इतना बढ़ गया है कि चाहके भी मैं वापस नहीं आ सकती हूँ। तुमने मुझे एक चीज़ बहुत भर भर के दी है - आँसू, जिन्हें मैं लाख कोशिश कर भी रोक नहीं पा रही हूँ। तुम्हारा दिया हुआ खालीपन, सूनापन और अकेलेपन का बहुत बहुत शुक्रिया। यह तोह्फ़ा तुम्हारा मरते दम तक याद रखूँगी। एहसान है तुम्हारा मुझपे। याद रहेगा तुम्हारा तोह्फ़ा हमेशा।

Yash Chopra passed away. The king of romance is gone. The era of love is over. Media, Bollywood, Critics mourned big time. That triggered a thought – Is romance over in Hindi movies? Will love never be depicted the same? Is there anybody who can continue the legacy? Ok. Forget about movies; is it there in our everyday lives? Love happens once. Yash Chopra taught us in many of his movies. I also had the notion of a TDH coming in my life on a horse and sweeping my feet. So, did he come. Not on a horse but in a train. Definitely it wasn’t love at first sight but gradually love enveloped me and there I was - madly in love. Nothing engrossed me more than him. Love was so passionate that I couldn’t even realize when everything evaporated. And, finally one day everything was over. I am sure many would have parted ways. So, was Yash Chopra wrong? Was love not right? Can love happen again? Has love undergone transformation in this era? Have people evolved? Is there so much love amongst pe...

It’s a cliché yet true: Some things don’t change. How much ever you change your habits, routines, rituals, or even city, things don’t change. Nobody changes. Or rather YOU don’t change. Here I was trying to analyze what is happening in me, near me, around me, whatever. It always made sense to me that I should do only that in which I believe. It was 48 days since I was alone and I wanted to conclude and decide. So, I shifted cities and I thought I was better off. I have left my past behind and I am now a new person, I am going to start a new life and so on. But was I right in my thoughts? Had I really succeeded? Forget about a sea change but I can hardly see an ounce of difference in my life. That does not mean that I don’t have anything ‘happening’, yet there is something that is running at the back of my mind. I tried hard placing incidents in a sequence, thinking, analyzing; still couldn’t close the thought. That’s when I decided to deal with it my way: I closed the topi...

It was a sunny day with sun shining at its best. It was hot outside but I was cold wondering if I will be alive tomorrow to witness the heat. I was shivering with fear, yet calm, thinking I had you beside me. It was June 13 th , 2005, 4 p.m. I was walking, in fact crawling as if I was carrying the baggage of the whole earth. I didn’t have anybody to assure me. Just me and myself. We reached the hospital around 6 pm. No, I was completely fine. It was just that I was expecting my first baby. But, I was not excited. I was only afraid, concerned about me, only myself. I was admitted in the hospital for the first time. I wanted to have my favorite dish for dinner, chola poori; one last time before I go for the test of my life.  I was relaxed now having done with my dinner. People must have retired to bed after a tiring day yet the maternity ward was awake and full of activities. Activities? Ok, whatever. I was sitting there watching the women with wonder as to why they were sho...

There was a phase when I was on cloud nine. Nothing could affect me. I was in the highest of my spirits. No matter what happened at my place or my neighbor’s, I was living in my own world. Content with what I had. Happy with whatever was happening. Pondering that nothing can affect this state of mine and wishing it should never change. Yet, it happened. You happened to walk away from me. I had a blank feeling, mixed emotions, was expressionless; don’t know what to name it but my world had shattered. Suddenly I realized that I had nobody to fix my frame of mind. Your perpetual need was missing. The feeling of being deserted was enough for me to give up myself. My world had crashed and slapped on a harder tone that was not easy to handle. I was so much into you that I forgot I was an individual first and then your partner. You left me and I rediscovered myself. You abandoned me and I came to my senses though I never wanted to. I had all the time for myself, my passion, and my urges. ...